MY STORY
Hello Beautiful Soul,
Whether it’s madness or magic that brought you to this very spot, I’m happy you found your way here. People have been asking me to share my story. They want to know how I overcame poverty, escaped domestic abuse, managed to raise five kids solo, launched a career as a UX Designer, built a business, and started a nonprofit. This website is my open book for you to read.
My name is Calikay Vashou (think Cali like California, Kay like the letter, and Vah-Shoah like a fancy French dessert). Chaos mixed with creativity is my life. I’m a sole parent raising five incredible kids—without a penny in child support. My oldest is on the Autism spectrum, my middle two are in the wilderness of early adulthood, and my youngest are identical twins with a million questions. Not long ago, I became fiancee to a wonderful Irish man and cat mom to a chubby 22lbs feline, who I lovingly nicknamed Tutu (a term of endearment for a little boy). Honestly, he’s my third son. They are my world and I’m their magical unicorn.
The Early Years - Dirt Poor
You might have read Crazy Rich Asians or seen the movie but I’m certainly not that kind of Asian. I’m the poor one with no trust fund. In February of 1980, my parents and I arrived as refugees in the United States. We landed in Chicago, Illinois, out of all the warm places in this country. It was our first time experiencing snow. Major cultural shock!
Poverty was our lifestyle. We didn’t even own a spoon—seriously, not one. Our home was a cramped one-room studio, where I learned math by counting cockroaches and mice hanging out in the kitchen. Hey, who needs textbooks when you have real-life vermin as your teachers, right? Rice in water with a tablespoon of salt was the daily meal. Delicious!
Both of my parents were always gone—Dad was at work, and Mom, well, her mind was somewhere. When my little sister came into the world and left within a year, my mom became a weeping willow. There were times when I would sit next to her and cry, not knowing why. Other times, when it was too much to feel, I would walk up and down the stairs in our building. Little did I know, there was a name for what I was doing—therapy.
At eight years old, I was the oldest adult in our family. While other kids played at the park, I was home filling out government paperwork and playing backup parent to my siblings. My parents couldn’t read, write, or speak English. They left me to figure out the world on my own. This period of my life turned me into a world-class codependent.
The Sleep Walking Years
Against all odds, I’m the first in my family to graduate from college. While other students might put the cart before the horse and can rearrange their plans, I lost the entire horse! This led to the discovery of my inner tech geek. Learning web design and programming came naturally to me. I later started my own IT consulting business and this opened the door for me into the UX Architect.
Drowning in loneliness and cultural pressure, I got married at 22 years old for all the wrong reasons. What began as a fairytale love story quickly turned into a nightmare. Behind the façade of a picture-perfect family, our home was a warzone—filled with intense fear, lethal weapons, broken doors, holes in the walls, smashed bottles, mutilated toys, vicious screams, deadly threats, and endless tears. His drinking and anger were constant. The abuse continued for 15 long years.
It all came crashing down when I ended up in the ER, broken and exhausted. That’s when I had a moment of clarity—a conversation with God—and found the courage to prison break with my kids. We fled to the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin, where I began the daunting task of rebuilding our lives. Despite harassment, threats, and a brutal custody battle, I finally secured a decade-long restraining order. After that, he quickly married his subsidiary supply, the same woman he had been telling me was a stalker for years.
With no home, no job, and very little money, I had to start from scratch, relying on nothing but faith and my abilities. My natural skills gained from my “figure-it-out” days saved me. Slowly, I rebuilt our lives, discovering strength I didn’t know I had.
New Chapter
The Sleep Walking Years
Learning to be alone and focus on rebuilding myself—physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially—was excruciating but liberating. It took two years for me to feel normal again and reclaim my life. Holistic healing became my lifeline, and life design is my guiding principle. The hardest part of the healing process was the lack of connections and understanding. The people around me couldn’t fully comprehend the depth of the pain that was consuming me from within. Therapy only scratched the tip of the iceberg, so I did the only thing that I could—I created a community to find others like me. Six years later, De’Chaos is a nonprofit helping survivors of domestic abuse heal, grow, and thrive. Our next venture is to change the lives of survivors worldwide.
Healing is a lifelong journey. It’s a deep scar that will seal, yet it will always leave a mark on my body. The silver lining of this agonizing experience is that I can gather all the shattered pieces of myself, mend them, and reshape them to build a life that truly works for me. I’m no longer merely surviving or existing—I’m genuinely living as my authentic self. In the process, I found my soul, and with that, I met my mate.
The Sleep Walking Years
Today, my kids and I are putting down roots in the city by the bay. We’re slowly healing and working through the layers of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). When I look at my kids and the state of their mental health, I can see which periods of my life took the hardest hits and where I found the strength to rise above. There are days when guilt still lingers, reminding me of how I couldn’t shield my kids from being abused. All his failures were directed at me, but he would inflict pain on my kids instead, knowing that their suffering would cut me deeper.
There’s so much more waiting in the next chapter of my life, and yours as well. Whether you’re a trauma survivor, a single parent, or someone searching for purpose and change, I’ve left breadcrumbs along the path. All you need to do is believe in yourself and follow them. I won’t claim it will be easy, but I can promise it will be worth it. My kids and I are living proof that even from the darkest places when you feel completely broken, you can start again. You can find the rainbow after the storm, maybe even a pot of gold. Together, let’s start living in poetry.
With all my love,
