There’s a quote –
Before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure you’re not surrounded by assholes.UNKNOWN
Funny quote but true.
Do you always feel like no matter what you do, you’re never good enough? Are you struggling to sleep at night? How often are you overwhelmed with sadness?
For 15 years, I struggled with sadness. I can’t even describe the pain with words.
One night in the middle of winter, right before Christmas, I went out wearing only a maternity dress and flip-flops. The temperature was below zero, the windows were frozen. I didn’t bother to scrape the windshield. My mission was just to drive around town and get hit by another car so I can end my life. The pain I felt was deep and unbearable. One part of me wanted to call home to talk to my mom but the other part of me didn’t want to disappoint my parents about my miserable failed marriage.
Alone in the car, half crying and half screaming, God didn’t say a thing. Somehow, I didn’t die. Two months later, I gave birth to my son. All around me were people were but I felt completely alone. Most days, I had to fake my smile and force myself to talk so I would feel particularly alive. People probably thought I was nosy. I was just trying to make conversations to hide my sorrow.
I’m sure my soul left during those dark days. I was just an empty shell. I saw nearly ten different doctors and none could diagnose my illness. My body was breaking down. I had bad rashes all over my body. My migraines were deadly. I gained excessive weight and even got menopause.
It took nearly 8 years later for me to come across an article that changed my life forever. Sitting alone on the cold hard bathroom floor with nothing but my suffering, the magazine in front of me