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Self-care

One more time. It might be different.

One more time. One more excuse. It didn’t work the 100th time but maybe 101 will be it. He will suddenly grow a heart of gold and love you forever. 

The truth is… it never stops. It will never get better. You’ll keep drinking up the lies and die trying to hold on to absolutely nothing. I hate to break it to you but you’re on the roller coaster ride to hell. The narcissist in your life will let you go up long enough just to catch your breath and then drop you down a million miles. Scream and cry all you want. Your pain is a narcissist’s pleasure. Your only way out is to jump off the roller coaster and build yourself back with all your broken pieces.

I rode the roller coaster for 15 years. I made excuses that could build a tunnel around the world.

“I didn’t love him enough.” 

“It’s all my fault he’s miserable.” 

“I need to try harder so he can be less angry.” 

“He cheated because I’m not good enough.”

“I need to give him money to keep him happy.” 

The list goes on and on. I was the doormat of doormats. All I could think about are ways to keep him happy while I was dying inside. I birthed 5 kids, gave him money, brought him new cars and homes, and let him live his life as freely as possible. He slept all day, play video games all night, lived a double life with another woman for years, and never worked a day in our entire marriage!

Thinking back, “WTF was wrong with you, girl?!” 

Jumping off the roaster coaster was not easy. You will feel pains you’ve never felt before. You’ll spend countless nights wishing to die and no one will come to save you. You’ll spend months hating yourself and years kicking yourself. But you still matter. You’re just addicted to trauma and you need to find the courage to break free. 

If anything, everyone will either hate you for leaving or staying. Some will call you selfish for wanting to better your life. Others will say you’re being a drama queen for trying to fight back. 

The only way to win is to jump off and crawl away. Don’t explain or express yourself to anyone. Some people will be happy you have a problem and others don’t care. Silence is your only power. Go completely no contact! 

It never gets better. The more chances you give, the less respect you’ll get. You will fade into pure darkness and buried yourself alive. Don’t go it! Don’t give it another chance. Don’t lie to yourself. There’s no getting better. Some people never chance. They just change how they lie.

You need to let go. You need to take the pain. The only way out is through. It’s time to stop with the excuses and trying. It didn’t work the first time around. It’s not going to change the at 101 time either. You’r not a hamster, stop running the wheel.

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